I just done drugged myself to sleep.

It's one of those nights where I just know I won't get to sleep without some sort of aid. Too many things floating about in my mind.

So you ever wonder if you suffer from low self esteem, even though you think you don't?

I think I'm an asshole. I don't like it.

I spent the night chatting with my brother and sister-in-law to be, hanging out with Janelle, and having a brief phone conversation with Charley. Charley's up in Nevada city getting learned some learnin' skillz. Janelle asked if she could call Charley her boyfriend in law. I said yes, of course.

Argentina was interesting, and Napa was absolutely beautiful. I recommend them both, though if you wanna relax and you're of limited Spanish skills, I recommend Napa over Buenos Aires. If you want to shop shop shop till you drop drop drop (for cheap cheap cheap), I recommend Buenos Aires. Both locations have exquisite food, but of course Napa is more expensive.

I miss Charley so bad right now. I feel like in some ways I shut off during the week. It's like my body is so tired of the Monday to Friday missing m'love diet that it refuses to feed me full-fledged emotions until I see him. Suffice to say, a lot of expectations get built around our weekends together, so when one doesn't go as planned or one of us is feeling "off" (due to man-period or rainy-day blues or whatever) it's especially upsetting.

All I want is to take him away with me. I want to run off to some unusual locale where we can open up a little shop and I can bake and shit. I loves makin' me some bread. He could be the artist, and create all day long, and share his knowledge with all the children of our town. I could make delectable cakes and treats that I would then burn in front of villagers who cannot afford my ridiculous American markup.

I would also like to write a manifesto of some sort, but I don't yet know of a ridiculous cause for which I feel strongly in support of.

I can see my body shrinking. It's been over 1.5 years since my "retirement" of sorts from gymnastics. Finally, whatever muscle I'd gained, I can feel going going going away. It's odd to watch. It's a slow transition, and every once in a while, I'll catch myself in the mirror and think, "Huh, well I'll be an anorexic monkey's uncle! I'm turning back into the pre-gymnastics Jon."

I wonder when this ambien+alcohol is going to kick in. Usually takes about ten minutes or so. I don't know how long it's been. I think longer than that. I'll know when everything I type appears twice.

I guess I could start putting together a little album of photos from my trips.

Thanks for listening.

Holy crap!! I'ts kivkikn im!!II I will sleep ntill i seee.....cips

October 4, 2005 | 12:00 AM | Link | 6 comments