The small things in life which I adore

Pour champagne on a vagrant today!

Make sure it's the good stuff though; they don't need the stench of cheap bubbly. They already smell bad enough as it is. As if they live at the Estée Lauder counter. Ha!

March 31, 2005 | 9:55 AM | Link | 4 comments

Impoverished is the new poor

I was at the mall last night and I saw a model in a window at some shop. I don't know which shop. It looked boring.

Anyway, so I saw this model, and my first thought was "Oh, look! It's the poor man's Catherine Zeta-Jones," but I quickly realized that phrase was outdate; ill-fitted to today's society. So, the proper term will now be impoverished.

So, that being said, last night I met the impoverished Justin Theroux. And that's hot.

Rafa drew a little forest of bleach on my head last night. Huzzah!

March 31, 2005 | 7:18 AM | Link | 0 comments

I scare people

I think I may have a hard time meeting people these days because my sense of humor has become even more twisted and insensitive than it was before. I mean no harm, but I think people just don't get it.

I've decided I want to become a star over in Germany just so I can say "I'm huge in Germany," and have keggers with David Hasselhoff and various buck-toothed midgets.

March 30, 2005 | 9:13 AM | Link | 8 comments

When good things happen to bad people

Does anyone know an effective death chant? Because I know somebody who could really use one right about now. Fo sho!

Tinky Winky will have his (?) revenge on the reverend!

March 29, 2005 | 7:06 PM | Link | 0 comments

Munchies

Mix together peanut butter and grape nuts. Chew.
I should really put down this food and go to bed.
How did this bar of chocolate end up in my hand?

March 29, 2005 | 12:45 AM | Link | 2 comments

Chew your face

You know that feeling you get when you know something, but you absolutely must keep it a secret, but with all your heart you want to shout it out from the mountaintops and kill babies (but the part about babies has nothing to do with the secret... you just like killing babies).

(this isn't Madonna, by the way)

I've got one of those secrets right now, and it burns more than the syphilis.

March 28, 2005 | 2:39 PM | Link | 2 comments

The look and the moves

This is an actual shop near my mom's house. Bizarre. I guess they just couldn't decide which business to get into.

March 27, 2005 | 3:39 PM | Link | 2 comments

I love drinkin' and Jesus loves dick

You know your weekend is off to a good start when you get home at 8am, take an extra-strength bong hit, and go to bed.

[ Ram holds Jesus down on the ground in headlock]
Kurt: Say "I like to suck big dicks!"
Jesus: Oww!!!
Ram: Say it.. Say it.
Jesus: Okay, okay!.. You like to suck big dicks.
[ Ram pushes Jesus into ground ]
Jesus: Ow! Ow! I like to suck big dicks. Mmmm.. Mmmmmm.. I can't get enough of 'em. Are you satisfied?

Aaaaand, scene.

Holy shit! I think these women hosting this jewelry show on the home shopping network are totally stoned. Either that or they've been popping some serious delirious pills. Mad, biaaatches!

March 26, 2005 | 8:27 AM | Link | 2 comments

Manual labor

When I arrived at the hospital yesterday morning, I found my sister had not yet had her baby. When I asked her where the baby was, she pointed at the wall (she was drugged).

One day later, she finally had it. Thy cut it out of her. I haven't gotten to go see it yet, but I will this afternoon. She has to recover from the cesarean. Ew. So, anyway... I guess now I'm an uncle squared. Oh, joy!

Happy birthday, Alexander. I love you :)

March 25, 2005 | 10:19 AM | Link | 2 comments

How soon we forget

Julie and I stopped by the Turf Club tonight as a result of a sold out show.

We'd looked for parking for a while, and finally found a spot. We walked quite a ways in San Diego's freezing sub-70 degree weather only to find that the night's show at The Casbah had sold out. Drat! We thought for a bit of where to go, and out of nowhere the Turf Club popped into my head.

—One who hasn't had a stiff sapphire martini with freshly stuffed blue cheese olives simply has not understood joy in life.—

It was so fantastic to be around young people. Hipsters, they may have been, but it didn't even bother me. I'm just happy to be around strange people, strange conversations, and an excellent juke box for a change.

Note to self: Repeat an evening like this as often as possible, and always finish with a nice big toke.

March 25, 2005 | 12:36 AM | Link | 0 comments

Pump me up

I'm experiencing a shortage of really good, high energy, fun new music. I want something to just really get me bouncing. I've exhausted my current collection. The twisted beauty of iPod + iTunes is that it provides a convenient way to get tired of all of your music. Fast.

I guess I can find entertainment in other areas. For instance: this Blockbuster commercial just came on where for some reason, a crowd has gathered in front of the store. A big banner drops which reads, "all you can watch for $14.99." Suddenly, a DJ appears in Blockbuster garb and the whole crowd begins dancing.

Here's a photograph of the ad exec that came up with that brilliant idea:

Hint: he's retarded.

March 24, 2005 | 8:56 PM | Link | 0 comments

Death became her

Oh, how amusing this is. Indeed!

Could you imagine? You lie down for a refreshing nap, and awaken in the morgue? This would be so much better if she would have risen inside a freezer. Much like what happened to my good friend Madeline a few years back.

Oh, and with this handy procedure, autofellacio is easier than ever!.

March 24, 2005 | 2:38 PM | Link | 2 comments

Attack of the clones*

My sister produced a second small human¹ this ante meridiem. Now I'm an uncle for the second time, and I'm about to go see my new nephew. I hope its head isn't too misshapen. That's most displeasing.

*: Star Wars sucks.
1: I only really enjoy small humans I'm related to, and still for short periods. When the kid turns four, we can re-descuss.

March 24, 2005 | 8:12 AM | Link | 0 comments

Keep it interesting

I remember when I first learned what a blog was. A friend of mine mentioned our mutual friend's "blog."

"What's a blog?" I remarked.

"It's short for Web Log. It's sort of like a diary," he informed. How novel, right? No? Oh, nevermind, but whatever.

So, I began reading Lester's and found something on the internet that actually interested me. I had become so bored with the web, so I was very excited to have something new to keep me entertained.

Well, of course blogs are contagious, so I wanted my own. I installed blogger over on my old site, and came up with the name B L (A) N D, simply because it mocked my minimalist design style.

Somehow, I got bored with it, and decided to try and revitalize myself by killing BLAND and opening the site you're reading today. Unfortunately, this didn't work because I was becoming increasingly boring and lazy.

One day, I realized my mind was going to mush and that I had no more friends around me because I was a workaholic zombie who spent his spare time thinking about things I wasn't doing while watching the food network.

I know I've written several times about missing my friends and missing having fun and blah blah blah, but it's still on my mind. People who know me know that when I get stuck on a subject, it's hard to escape.

Where am I going with this? I don't know. Here, go play this game. I must warn, I haven't played it so it may suck nards.

March 23, 2005 | 4:24 PM | Link | 4 comments

Tie me up and call me a bitch

I've got comments working on my site again. Hopefully I won't regret this. The spam had gotten so unbearable before—even with MT-Blacklist installed—I just couldn't deal with it.

So, hopefully y'all will have something more entertaining to say than I.

March 23, 2005 | 4:05 PM | Link | 1 comments

This is some fucked up shit right here

Work's been interesting lately. Morale has sunk very low and I'm afraid of losing me some fantastic colleagues.

The problem we have stems from one horrible director. She's demeaning, disorganized, untrustworthy, dishonest, and evil. She's been stressing out all of us like crazy. I've been at this job for over six and a half years, so I'm not about to let one fucked up individual ruin it for me... but it's still very difficult.

My boss and I were just chatting, and we came up with the idea of all of us in the department going on strike. Just one day not showing up to work and demand this devil be fired. I hear from the higher-ups, all the way to corporate that we're a very respected group (satan incarnate excluded; she's relatively new). Well, if they respect us so much, get rid of this disease and let us do our jobs proper!

On the ironic side, her presence has strengthened the bond between all of us here. We're all united against one enemy, and that feels right terrific, I say!

March 23, 2005 | 3:53 PM | Link | 0 comments

Old habbits, new beginnings

I fucked up this morning and missed the 8am phone call needed to move any freaking file over to our live website. The process is totally brain dead. I was getting ready for work when I realized I'd missed the call. Whatever. It's being taken care of now.

I discovered the secret to sleeping in later. Turns out you need to be tired. See, since I hadn't been doing anything for a while, I had forgotten what it felt like to be zonked out on booze and meatballs. It was very nice to actually be woken by my alarm.

I got home from work last night, and immediately poured myself a quarter-bottle of champagne. Logan is in town, and I was very excited to get to hang out with him, so after I downed my bubbly I met up with him for our ritual trip to Ikea.

I wasn't very hungry, so I didn't finish my food. Logan formed my two remaining potatoes and the leftover meatballs into a short penis. I completed it with a lingonberry rash! Tasty!

I dropped logan off at home so he could get ready to go out. I hung out on my own for a while before returning to Logan's place with a bottle of bubbly in tow. His friends Jason and Ryan came over, and we all headed out to #1 Fifth Avenue.

At the bar, a strange old man with a black eye and a gash on his face was hitting on Logan in such a way that can only be achieved through years of alcohol abuse. I tried to rescue Logan by inventing strange contagious diseases and loudly talking about the affects they are taking on my various extremities.

After some time, we went on to Numbers. Jo(h)n showed up with JJ, both looking fantab! It was great to have a night out with old friends and old drinks, and I plan on repeating it soon.

Okay, now I've got too much to take care of here at the office, so I'll just get to that...

March 23, 2005 | 9:02 AM | Link | 0 comments

Too lame

I remembered why I stopped shopping in San Diego: clothes here suck. I mean, last night wasn't a total bust, but it wasn't as successful as any random day of shopping in NYC would be.

I did manage to buy several bottles of champagne... just to have around.

I tried sleeping in longer this morning. I've now bumped my alarm from 6:40 to 7:30. I could only stay in bed until around 7:10, and was ready by 7:30. I remember when I used to take a long time to get dressed. Seriously, chopping your hair off does wonders for your prep time!

Anyway, little miss leadfoot from hell upstairs doesn't help matters. Anyone who comes to my apartment trips out on how loudly she walks and how she never stops. It's crazy. I have a Tempur Pedic mattress and I can sometimes feel her vibrations on it! Yes, she shakes the bed that you can't spill a wine glass on, people, and she's not even on the same floor as I.

OMG. I ate KFC last night. I forgot how finger lickin' good they are!

I need to get some AAA batteries. My nose hair trimmer is dying and I'm in dire need of some fancy hedge work.

March 22, 2005 | 8:29 AM | Link | 0 comments

Red eye morning

I stayed up very late last night because I just simply did not want to go to sleep.

As I puffed a few huge hits out of my nifty pipe, I decided I would start coming into work later (and leaving earlier, as well). It took several attempts to finally change my alarm to a later time. You know... pot will do that to you. It just felt so good to change something, y'know?

So, today I came into work a bit later (but not later enough, it turned out). I've been in a good mood, and I've got energy! I'll be leaving about exactly at 5pm and heading to the mall to do a little shopping.

Oh, I've decided to start spend money again. I was reading through the archives on my old website, reminiscing about the great friends and great times I was having a couple of years ago.

The champagne was frequent, and my clothing budget was ever expanding. I spent all my money, I was a gymnast, I drank gobs of champagne, I went out all the time, I felt creative, I enjoyed my work, and I freaking loved life.

So, today I had sushi for lunch while I browsed clothing shop websites in preparation of what I may buy this evening. Maybe a new suit, maybe some random clothes... who really knows? As long as I have less money tomorrow than I have today, I'll be most wondrously happy.

P.S. Oh, goodness! Those aren't my eyes. They just come up when searching google images for "eyes."

March 21, 2005 | 3:12 PM | Link | 0 comments

Overdosing, the mormon way

In an attempt to wake up and feel better, I drank two diet cokes, popped two iron supplements, and two potassium supplements. I only popped one each of centrum and cal-mag-zinc. I'm not crazy, after all!

March 21, 2005 | 12:18 AM | Link | 0 comments

Fatigue

I've been very tired since I had the flu last week. All day long I feel like I'm about to fall to sleep and that I weigh a million pounds. Funny thing is I weigh a lot less than I did a couple months ago.

First, I had my wisdom teeth removed, so I was on a soft diet for about a week (I made up a kick ass sweet potato soup recipe to get me through it). Since I was eating healthy mush (no ice cream, thanks) I ended my week feeling quite svelte. After the doctor told me I was allowed to eat solids again, I decided to keep on eating healthy foods.

I pretty much cut sugar out, white flour and rice... stuff like that. I also ended up battling a cold (successfully) for the next two weeks, so I wasn't even eating much healthy stuff. After that, I got that flue, and didn't really eat then. "I was so lucky getting mono. That was like, the best diet ever."

So now I have this thin body and a bit of a complex about it. My pants are too loose now, which is good, I guess. Or not. I don't know. I mean, I'm not unhealthy... just not used to being skinny like this anymore. I should buff up.

Where's a good mexican to lift weights for you when you need one?

March 21, 2005 | 12:06 AM | Link | 0 comments

Friends I miss (in no particular order)

Furious. He eternally opened my eyes and reminds me of how good people can be. He's in Seattle.

Michael. Let loose anyone? I take myself (and everything) too seriously if he's not around. He's in NYC.

Jon. If you need someone to have an "I know, right?" moment with. Jon's your man. He's in El Presidente Towne.

Jo(h)n. He reminds me of the importance of appreciation and colorful conversation. He's in San Diego.

Logan. He makes me realize that I sleep through life and I'm much too content with letting my mind go to waste.

Lester. An artistic inspiration and fountain of wonderful ideas. He can put the spark back in a lump of dry jell-o. He's in San Diego.

Jonah. We are not who we think we are. We are Romy. We are Michelle. Jonah is all. He's in San Diego.

Bethel. She never knew, but she was my last female crush. She's in Oregon.

Ethan. Freedom of person. Ethan was the breakaway in a controlled environment. I had a crush on him in high school and he is now married to Bethel. And, of course, in Oregon.

Lindsay. My kindergarten girlfriend. Who knew she would turn out to be a lesbian and I, a fag? Okay, everyone. She's in LA (I believe).

These are not all of the friends I miss. There are more, and none less important. I've spent the past year of my life being a workaholic. If I'm awake, I'm working. I gave up gymnastics so I could focus my energies working. I'm tired, and I look much older than I did a year ago. I dislike who I've become. I've decided to change.

So, here's to the people who matter. The people who challenge me to listen to what's going on around me and and what's relative to today.

Love,
Jon

March 16, 2005 | 7:33 PM | Link | 0 comments

Dysdera crocata

"This one thinks he's found the aroma of love. Instead, it's the stench of death. Powerless to ignore her scent, he commits necrophilia."

Spiders have all the fun.

March 11, 2005 | 1:14 PM | Link | 0 comments

OMG, weird.

This big pipe burst in the parking garage of the building next to mine in my apartment complex. It was like a gigantic indoor waterfall.

The firemen came, but only one was hot. He was everything you'd expect a fireman to be: built, vaguely italian, mustachioed. Unfortunately, I couldn't get a clear picture of him.

I was, however, able to grab this snazzy shot:

Huzzah for reflective accouterment! Huzzah!

March 8, 2005 | 10:39 PM | Link | 0 comments

Delayed Reaction

I want Madonna to get a horrible disease that renders her voice box useless. Oh wait, that already happened.

I hadn't really listened to her American Life CD, because the little pieces I did hear were so horrible. And her Music CD was pretty freakin' bad too. This morning, I listened to extended samples (couldn't bear listen to the whole thing). Wow! It's horrible!

You know what really bugs me too? How big Madonna is with gay people. Listen, fags, she ain't your friend. She's embraced you because of the gobs and gobs of money you'll throw at the latest half-assed, washed up piece of crap she releases.

I did like the Ray of Light CD. That was pretty.

God, I want her to choke on something very painful! I want her to go to some fancy restaurant in West Hollywood where she's eating Coq au Vin and when she looks away, someone slips a piece of cactus on her fork. Then she'll put it in her mouth swallow it whole (cause you know that's one thing she's actually good at) and then she'll start frantically pointing toward her throat, wishing she could scream "I'm choking!"

(Un)fortualy, everyone will think it's just some new stupid dance move her choreographer taught her and stand up and start frantically pointing at their throats and dance awkwardly as they stuff themselves with cactus BECAUSE THEY'RE GAY AND MADONNA DID IT SO THEY HAVE TO.

Well, I'm glad I got that off my chest. Have a great day. Jesus loves you :-)