OMG!

Showgirls is on.

Showgirls is on!

SHOWGIRLS IS ON!!!

I don't know for whom I should feel the most embarrassment: The writer, the director, or poor, poor Elizabeth.

On a completely unrelated note... I have never eaten the famed combo of pizza and beer!

August 31, 2004 | 6:58 PM | Link | 2 comments

Jack's new melt combos

Best. Fast food. EVER!!!

For those of you who are not lucky enough to live near a Jack in the Box, let me fill you in:

Jack recently introduced a new combo. You get a chicken melt or a patty melt with an AMAZING cheese sauce and BIG pieces of grilled onion, natural cut fries... and THE BEST PART!!!...

Are you ready?

Are you SURE???

A chocolate malt FILLED with crushed malted milk balls!!!!!!! They clogged my straw and brought me much happiness!!!

Seriously. I can't stress how righteous a combo this really is.

If you live near a Jack in the Box, or within a two hour dive, GO TRY THIS COMBO!

Okay yes I've had several drinks, but SERIOUSLY! This is the best fast food I have ever had in my ENTIRE LIFE! I wanted to cry while I was eating it, my body could not handle the joy! Then, when I was done, I wanted to cry more and slit my wrists... or go get another combo. OMG LUNCH TOMORROW!!!!!

Try. This. Combo!

August 31, 2004 | 12:18 AM | Link | 6 comments

I'd've done the same

Okay, so you work at a modern art museum where you specialize in art of the custodial form. You see a bag of trash. What do you do?

Why, you throw it away of course!

I especially love that the bag of trash had been thrown away before, but recovered. Since it was damaged, the artist was forced to fill another bag with bits of newspaper and cardboard. Oh, the agony.

It's this type of torment a real artist does make.

August 27, 2004 | 9:22 AM | Link | 0 comments

Out, candle

I'm so burned out, I want to cry. But I have no heart, so I guess I'm shit out of luck.

August 24, 2004 | 3:17 PM | Link | 6 comments

<rant style="mild">

Okay, take this from a gymnast:
You can't be a gymnast and be bulimic or anorexic and survive—especially at the olympic level. If you weren't filling your body with nutrients you wouldn't be able to stand, let alone perform routine after routine.

Steroids help though.

August 18, 2004 | 10:02 PM | Link | 5 comments

Oh, my!

This is simply wonderful! I must get a Costo card!

August 17, 2004 | 12:24 AM | Link | 0 comments

To the point

Decapitation could just be a nice way of saying "shut the fuck up!"

August 11, 2004 | 10:14 AM | Link | 0 comments

The touch, the feel of crazy

"An introduction to cuddling ensues, first by hugging three people. People then get in a circle on their hands and knees, rub shoulders and moo like cows. After a bit of swaying, everyone falls to their side, which puts them into an easy cuddling position.

"Cuddle parties are intended for people who are emotionally sound. People in therapy or who are seeing a mental health professional are asked to consult their doctor before signing up for a party and to tell organizers of their situation."

Um, wouldn't being mentally deficient be a prerequisite to this sort of gathering?

August 10, 2004 | 7:37 PM | Link | 3 comments

Junk mail. The real kind

Don't worry, Mr. Kerry. I am voting for you. Please stop sending me mail.

Thank you, Providian. These checks you provided me are a most convenient way for me to pay more interest than ever! Oh, and this poster you sent me covered in fine print explaining the details of the line of credit I never use? Nice touch!

O, R.J. Reynolds Tobacco Company: I've never smoked a cigarette, but I simply couldn't live without your colorful, vibrant Camel mailers! Thank you.

I'm so glad to have won this cruise! I'll sign this check immediately and send it right off! See you in the poor house!

August 4, 2004 | 6:13 PM | Link | 0 comments

Badvertise

Do you or does anyone you know actually like Carl's Junior or Red Bull television ads? I've never met anyone who likes them, yet they've used the same ad style for years. Luckily for them, their products are both good.

Now Taco Bell on the other hand. Their advertising is horrible, and their food is shitty. I should know—I love Taco Bell.