Of peanut butter and cardio

I've been eating horribly lately. I've also not been exercising.

Last night I got myself to go to the gym for the first time in exactly a month, so naturally today I do not feel guilty at all about snacking. Right now I'm having yogurt pretzels, peanut butter cookies, and a diet coke.

I'll go to the gym again tonight. Last night when I was there, a hot daddy was signing up for membership so chances are he'll be there tonight... or not. It doesn't really matter anyway. My gym smells good.

Aside from trying to stay healthy, the gym just gives me something to do. Since I'm not doing anything these days so I can save as much money as I can for that big purchase I hope to make next year, I figure at the least the gym is free (after I pay a lot a month for it because it's "exclusive") entertainment. And who's going to bat away penises dangling around them? Just kidding.

But seriously... who would do such a thing?

It amuses me: when I first started going to the gym, the locker room would terrify me. "Put that away," I'd think. I've calmed down a lot. Though whenever CNN (which is always on in the locker room) says something about gay marriage it makes me uncomfortable as I stand naked around 90% presumably heterosexual naked men. "No, I'm not going to try and marry you," I think aloud in my head.

These yogurt pretzels are disappointing me. I chose unwisely.

I wonder how much the executive level membership at my gym is... Executive level members get their own locker room with nice cherry wood lockers adorned with brass nameplates.

La la la la la.

June 30, 2004 | 3:44 PM | Link | 4 comments

And they're off

Two of my favorite people are leaving San Diego today with their two tiny, cute little children.

We hung out for a while last night, and I didn't really want to say goodbye. I don't tend to get very sad when friends move away because I know they're doing what they want to do and I'm happy. Still, there's that moment: the last hug that marks the end of an era.

These two helped keep me sane during my brief encounter with that cult in the 10th grade, and for that I'll be eternally grateful. Never you worry... I was never in the cult, I was just near the cult and that's enough to drive one mad.

P.S. Jessica sucks! Will you two open up the Portland Parents and Friends against Jessica chapter?

June 28, 2004 | 9:29 AM | Link | 0 comments

To go further

I was recently looking over design work by a friend whom I admire a great deal and it's has got me thinking quite a bit.

He is a person I consider to be a real designer. His work is not hip. His work is not now. His work is not selfish. Rather, his work is simply beautiful and strong. I look at his work and I see what I would like to be—where I would like to go.

I feel I often hold back in my designs. I keep a very minimalist palette. The highest showcase of my minimalism is always found in my personal web sites. In my personal space, I pride myself on the use of zero to one image in the entire design. It's a technical chalenge, really. I recently created a redesign for sexisbad.com (though I have not used it) that is much more visually exciting that the current design, while using no images whatsoever.

I wonder though, why exactly I hold back so much in my own personal forum. The place where I have no rules and I would be free to do whatever I want. Is it because my mind is tired from the designs I create for a living? Do I punish myself for my insecurities over my professional design by robbing myself of personal freedom? Am I afraid that deep down I am not a designer?

I do believe I am a designer. I have a passion for it. From a child on MacPaint and Freehand (version 1), to a professional on LightWave and Photoshop, I have carried with me a lifelong love for digital creation. I do, however, often feel tired. I sometimes wish I could go back to being the boy with no friends, staying up all night to learn yet another design program.

As I approach my 6th anniversary of being employed by the Large Corporate Medical Company, I can look back on how far I've come. The different moods I've carried throughout my career astound me: challenge, awe, complacency, contempt, calm, appreciation, excitement, and confusion. One thing that's for sure is that no matter how I've felt about my position through the years, it's always mattered a great deal to me.

In the end of the day, I must feel charged again. I must know that wherever I am I must do the best I possibly can. I must let my ego fly away. I can speak their language with my own accent, and I can create the beauty. I can nurture in myself what I've always admired in others.

So thanks, Jack, because without trying and without knowing, you've helped to inspire me to go further.

June 25, 2004 | 11:44 PM | Link | 5 comments

Time for a breakdown

Crying is not something I tend to do. It's not that I try to avoid it; it is simply not a reaction I tend to have to situations and events.

Last night saw the combination of an extreme amount of ongoing stress, lack of sleep due to said stress, and a lot of gin. Last night, I cried. I cried outdoors. I cried indoors. I cried over the toilet seat and vomited. I cried in bed.

I was just a big, drunk crybaby.

It was time. I'd not been getting much sleep and I knew I would snap at any moment. I guess I do feel a little better now. A good cry releases much toxins from the body, I presume. Though the source of stress is still there and still powerful, I am now a little more calm about it.

In other news: it turns out I was highly plastered last night, as there were numerous events recounted in the morning of which I had no recollection of at all.

Examples of happenings and moments I do not recall:

In the limo ride home, my head took seat in a pair of breasts.
My cousin telling me I was signing my second credit card receipt in five minutes, and me proudly proclaiming "No, it's my eighth!"
The events that came about directly after leaving my martini shattered about the dance floor.
Humping a meter as I tried to feed it coinage.
Announcing how hot meter maids make me.
Having two Dark Angel martinis.

I can only assume there was much more I don't remember and that I was a complete ass. Oh well, at least I made everyone laugh. :-)

June 23, 2004 | 1:54 PM | Link | 0 comments

Sigh

Oh, am I glad that's over! And it's all mellowed over with some pot and port.

Yo know? Just: sigh.

Oh, I'm going to sleep well tonight! :-)

Thanks for the doobage, M. :-)

June 21, 2004 | 9:34 PM | Link | 2 comments

Patterns

I used to visualize my stresses as a series of lines or dots that would illustrate drastic turns of event. I never had intent to do this; the dots and lines just pop up in my head. Not terribly useful, I presume.

In the past couple of days I have begun visualizing them with actually imagery. Imagery I imagine would not only be terribly useful, but perhaps terribly interesting as well. Perhaps one day I'll gain the drive to create some of them.

Yes, I think I might be depressed. I've been wondering about it for about a month, and I kind of leaned toward deciding that I was. I wonder what I can do about it. Perhaps go back to the gym. After all: "Exercise gives you endorphins. Endorphins make you happy. Happy people don't kill their husbands."

June 21, 2004 | 8:54 AM | Link | 0 comments

It's my defense mechanism

I just discovered that if I can't make a person laugh, I become very nervous and uncomfortable. Turns out I've been using it as a means to mask my insecurities.

That's all. Bye.

June 20, 2004 | 5:22 PM | Link | 1 comments

Good times

Last night was a miniature high school reunion.

I met up with some friends at Shooterz. A couple of whom I've seen regularly since high school, a few I've seen occasionally, and one I've only seen three times. I even saw the "gay teacher" from my high school. He was wearing a red school t-shirt and pants pulled up over his belly button.

The one I had only seen a few times was my high-school crush. We were great friends until I scared him off, as I would tend to do back then. I was very obsessive, you see. Sitting on the grass, looking gothic, and obsessing over whatever I felt like obsessing over that week pretty much sums me up back then.

Anyway, it was great because I've always missed him. It was unfortunate we fell out of touch, and I always held him in high regard. Last night it was the four of us together again, hanging out, and it felt great!

It's also fun seeing all my old friends graduate college and get on with their careers. We're growing up, and I love it :)

P.S. I poured some liquor out for my homie in Seattle.

June 18, 2004 | 10:23 AM | Link | 3 comments

Mr. Somebody

Today was a terribly wonderfully surprising day.

You know how when you wake up, and you decide to put your plot for world domination on hold so you can meet your friends for coffee, and then something happens that changes your plans for the rest of the day... and the next day, and potentially even the next?

Yeah. I had one of those days.