Pervasive

I'm tired of smelling the fire. I'm tired of walking outside and getting ash in my mouth and eyes. I'm tired of being stuck indoors. I would much rather be at work today, but they still don't want us going in.

I think I'll take a drive out to my gymnasium. It's the first location I was worried about when these fires started getting close. I couldn't bare to watch my gym burn down. All those coaches that would be without jobs, and all those children unable to practice. And of course, with gymnastics being my big passion, I'd be without it for a while.

I know it's nothing compared to the hundreds of people who have lost their homes in the past few days and all the people who have died. Everybody holds different things dear. I'm happy that I'm healthy and my friends and family are safe.

When the fires first got close, on Sunday morning, I was freaking out. I went over to Joerg's house and calmed down. We ate leftovers of the most awesome soup that Erin had made a few days before. We watched the first half of Amélie and just tried to relax.

Relaxing only works for so long when your being forced into it. And the constant smell of smoke and the ashes falling and the sun glowing orange overhead does not help the mental state. One can only bake so many loaves of bread to stay calm. One just might have to turn to making chocolates today.

October 28, 2003 | 8:06 AM | Link | 2 comments

Lift

You know those times where you have two big projects, and both are due the same day, and both are stressing you out, and both seem nearly impossible? And then something happens with both projects that either extends their time, or cuts their level of importance? Don't you just love that?

October 24, 2003 | 9:35 AM | Link | 1 comments

Fresh

He refers to his friends and family in code and I LOVE IT!

October 22, 2003 | 11:24 AM | Link | 2 comments

Pieces

. . .

Dark strands encircled her cloudy eyes. She stared permanently into the sky, laid in the puddle where she would be lost forever.

Her limbs were torn apart and carelessly tossed to the sides—fare for animals and insects that may stumble across her. Initials etched into her inner thigh could have provided a clue, but weather takes away what's left.

Her soft, damp skin barely holds on to her torso as it steeps in the water. Bluish markings interrupt the otherwise ghastly white complexion. Ants consume a line from her mouth to her nape, and disappear into the moist ground below her head.

Search teams only ever came within three miles of her. Perhaps in 20 years, some nature buff will stumble across her skull. He will report it to the authorities, and the case may be revisited. It would be an unfortunate waste of time, since even in her life she had no friends or family. She was fit to disappear completely, and she would have hoped to do so.

Her aggressor was pleased at the opportunity. Himself, a lurid and withdrawn individual who had dreamed of power and influence. Their brief romance had only been a culmination of their most depressing desires, and consisted mainly of brutal sex and abusively self-destructive conversations.

. . .

October 22, 2003 | 11:10 AM | Link | 0 comments

Torch

I could try to prepare myself for the inevitable. I knew it was coming, and I knew what it was, but there was a thin shroud of denial convincing me I would be proven wrong. It's funny how these things work. I didn't even realize I was sad until the morning after.

Time will heal me. I've got something wonderful in my life, and I appreciate it very much.

But even so, I can't help feeling that I'm missing out on something spectacular.

October 17, 2003 | 9:05 AM | Link | 3 comments

View

I'm in love with Robbie Williams.

October 15, 2003 | 9:17 PM | Link | 6 comments

Reality

In my dream, he was a boy I had known for a long time. In reality, I had never seen him before. I was attracted to him, and had been for quite some time, it seemed. He was straight, as far as I knew. I'd always seen him with his girlfriend.

We were on the road to attend a concert. I was wearing a grey t-shirt printed with a graphic of which I can't remember. People, in general, really liked this shirt, and it was my personal second favorite.

As we sat on a set of bleachers, resting from the drive, he took notice. Janelle laughed at his excitement over my shirt, and his girlfriend mentioned he'd been looking for one just like it. He ran up the steps to me, smiling, and planted a kiss on my lips. It was a sudden kiss, and a small kiss. I wasn't quite sure how to react.

He pulled away, still smiling. I looked slightly confused, and before I could say anything, he dove back in. This time with tongue. Forceful tongue. Stiff tongue. Unrelenting tongue. He just wouldn't pull it out, and there was no movement. It was just a mass, sitting in my mouth. I became more confused.

Could he really consider this kissing? I wanted it to stop. I was disappointed that such a beautiful boy was such a terrible kisser. I was happy to feel him so close, yet irritated by his technique. I grew concerned with the people around me. What would were they thinking? What was his girlfriend thinking? I'm sure she was glad to have him kiss somebody else for a change.

When he finally puled away, he told me how much he loved my shirt. I told him he should see my pink, sleeveless Chicago t-shirt. He smiled, and we got back on the road to see whatever concert it was we were going to see.

October 14, 2003 | 9:59 AM | Link | 2 comments

Damn

Damn.

October 10, 2003 | 11:44 PM | Link | 2 comments

Manger

Knowing that the sounds should last longer, I gradually released pressure from the gas pedal. From 95 to 65, the tracks changed. I took charge, and skipped as I pleased.

The trip home lasted through several 80's classics.

Looping away from my community, I headed to the grocer for toiletries. They did not carry my brand, and I left with a compromise from another aisle. Do not allow me near the checkered apple pile. I have no fear.

Yellow Tail. Barefoot. It's funny how things come full circle. Everybody seems to want to save a buck, and often the bargains taste the best.

I was offered a Hershey chocolate tonight, and ate it anyway. It tasted like hardened water. Chalky and waxy at the same time. I didn't know how else to react but to swallow as quickly as possible. Cover it with wine. Sometimes the bargains do not taste best.

I need to press less heavily on the pedal, and more often.

October 10, 2003 | 11:38 PM | Link | 0 comments

Barely

My morning coffee was to keep me awake. A double shot of espresso, just to begin the day. More to come later.

His eyes were cold, and I could not look into them. As I handed my currency, our fingers brushed. I shuddered. He smirked, and I avoided any other contact. I did not tip today.

A cup 7/8 full is quite disappointing. Too much foam atop the latte. If I want that much foam I will order a cappuccino, will I not? No flavor of vanilla was present. Disappointment. I must try again, but at another shoppe.

His eyes were still cold. Fear kept me glancing at the girl pouring her coffee into the trash. Anger was mine over the fact that hot coffee will melt the plastic waste bag, and all trash will end up much too comfortably on the floor.

I sit in an abundance of chocolate. From various sources. Those who know me will understand that my love can easily be won by way of champagne and fine chocolate; true love comes with dark shades and sparkling pallor.

October 10, 2003 | 9:43 AM | Link | 0 comments

Supreme

The past weekend was one of the best in a long time.

Friday afternoon, Joerg and I headed up to Joshua Tree for camping and climbing. The drive went smoothly, and we set up camp by 5pm. After going into town to put some gas in my car, we cooked angel hair pasta with a spicy tomato sauce and some grilled chicken. We ate atop a boulder as the sun set :-). Joshua tree is absolutely beautiful!

We went to sleep a bit early so we could wake up with time to walk around before we had to go to our rock climbing course. I had trouble sleeping because I was so excited to be outside, and well, because I was outside. nevertheless, I loved the camping experience, and can't wait to do it again.

In the morning, we walked around our campsite and took pictures of rocks and each other. We met up with Jeff and Rodney at the picnic area where the rock climbing school meets. We got our gear, and before we knew it, we were climbing boulders. Jeff held me up on the rock once—by my ass—to keep me from falling! :-)

After lunch, we got into the real climbing. A 60 ft top-rope climb! I was the first to go, and think I was at a slight disadvantage since I had seen nobody else climb. It was pretty scary. My adrenaline was rushing, and my nerves were running, but I still had to stop midway up my first climb to reapply my chapstick. Can we say addicted?

We all loved climbing, and Joerg and I kept repeating that we're going to go back and do it again! We left Joshua Tree at around 4:30, and were home by 7. I was beat, and crashed pretty much immediately.

Sunday morning, Darius and I met up to go see a chocolate bed and eat from a chocolate fondue fountain. Let me tell you what I learned that day: Just because you can't get a job in commercials, that does not mean you can somehow magically impersonate Arnold Schwarzenegger! No way, no how!

Sunday night, I met up with Joerg, Luis, Brett, Joanna, Tyler, and José for a late dinner at California Pizza Kitchen. It was so nice to finally meet José, after hearing him talked about so much.

I ended the weekend with a huge smile, as I've been doing a lot lately. Things are good, and I appreciate them all.

October 8, 2003 | 4:01 PM | Link | 1 comments

Camp

In a couple hours, Joerg and I head up to Joshua Tree to camp under the stars, and spend tomorrow rock climbing!

I can't wait to leave my office. Why did I even come in today???

October 3, 2003 | 10:31 AM | Link | 0 comments

Ample

I don't often have sex dreams. They've never been frequent for me. Last night, however, I had two. Or maybe it was just one with an intermission.

I dreamed I had sex with William Shatner. I know. Traumatizing, right? Well, please put your mind to ease on the fact that it wasn't the Shatner as he is now. It was the younger, handsome Shatner.

He had an enormous cock.

I awoke thinking, "I can't believe I had a sex dream about William Shatner." Then I fell asleep and had another sex dream that I can't quite remember. Oh, well...

October 2, 2003 | 2:30 PM | Link | 5 comments

Issues

So, last night, Joerg and I are having coffee at a local coffee shop. This guy is there who obviously likes Joerg. We met him one night at a club, and this guy clung on and would not go away. We see him out almost every time we're in that neighborhood.

I guess every time this guy has seen Joerg, I have been with him. He obviously doesn't like me. As Joerg and I were leaving, Joerg said goodbye to him from where we were standing, and I smiled and waved. The guy just stared at me. Didn't blink, didn't budge, didn't change expressions. He just stared. I turned my head and said, "Okay."

As we were walking out, I asked Joerg if he saw what just happened. He turned to me, kinda' laughing, and said, "I don't think he likes you." We both laughed.

Sorry, bitch. If you want Joerg, you're just going to have to get through me first! *OMG LOL, right?* Ha ha. Issues.

Y'know?

October 2, 2003 | 10:58 AM | Link | 4 comments

Random

Today was one of the last lunches at Alborz with my colleague Sara. She's moving to NYC in mere days! We'll all miss her. Before I knew Sara, I was a very closed-up person here at work. Nobody knew anything about my personal life. I just wouldn't let people in. She opened me up :-). Joerg joined us, and I was glad he got to meet her before she moved.

I've been using smiley emoticons like mad lately, in email mostly. Basically, the reason for this is that I am smiling as I type. A lot of my time these days is filled with a grin. Things seem to be going pretty well for me, in general. I am surrounded by good people, I've got a good job, and I'm making progress in my gymnastics. Of course, there is one thing that's been driving me a bit batty lately, but these experiences are what make life worth living—the things that make you smile and go crazy at the same time.

Did any of y'all see last night's Frasier? It was exceptionally funny. Frasier in short shorts in a gay bar makes for fun times!

My lunch left me so tired! I want to build a nest under my desk and nap the day away. I feel like I could fall asleep in my chair.

I think that's all for now.