Oh, happy day!

Ben and J-Pez seem to have managed the impossible. They made a movie so horrible that seemingly every critic agrees. Even after 30 reviews have been posted on Rotten Tomatoes they're still 100% negative. I thought for sure there'd be at least one critic out there with tastes bad enough to enjoy Gigli. I guess I've greatly underestimated them.

How did Ben Affleck ever become a sex symbol, anyway? He's got an awkward, disproportionate body. Anybody remember how badly he was dressed in Mallrats? That alone should have kept him from ever reaching superstar status.

July 31, 2003 | 4:24 PM | Link | 0 comments

"Gigli is so horrible I

"Gigli is so horrible I had to go cleanse my palate afterward by watching Glitter."

"Gigli pretends to be a sophisticated comedy of the sexes yet it’s written with the adolescent gusto of a fifty-year-old who’s finally discovered that a penis goes inside a vagina."

Read more reviews of Gigli on Rotten Tomatoes.

July 29, 2003 | 6:37 PM | Link | 0 comments

DSL sucks... as I've stated many times.

I didn't have internet access at home all last week, so I apologize to people whose email I have not replied to yet. I've not forgotten you, and I don't hate you.

Well, not all of you.

July 29, 2003 | 12:00 PM | Link | 0 comments

The good.

Friday night, my twin™ came over, and we hopped out for drinks at the Eagle, then to Wolfs, and finally to Rudfords for mashed potatoes. Unfortunately they had no mashed potatoes.

On Saturday my twin, Jo(h)n, Rashid and I went to the pride festival with Big Gulps full of gin and soda. We ran into Jon. I rock-climbed after downing half of my Gin Gulp. I highly recommend everyone go rock-climbing while drunk.

At the festival, I ran into my ex-boyfriend, Luis. Luis is an utterly beautiful person, and I was so happy to run into him. It's way too far between our meetings. His boyfriend appeared to get really jealous by the fact that Luis and I were talking. People like that irritate me. Jealousy is so unattractive.

On Sunday, my twin came and picked me up to go see Terminator 3 to brighten my moods. It was fabulous! I love the terminatrix! She's so hot! The movie cheered me up tons.

After the flick, we prettied ourselves up and went back to the festival, which turned out to be closed. So instead, we went to The Hole, which I loved. There was a very hot nerdy-daddy / italian stallion that I wanted to lick all over. After that, we picked up Logan, whose outfit was supa-freaky-rad and we went to The Eagle and downed a couple more drinks. It was here that I realized I wasn't driving, so I could drink all I wanted. It was also here that the night begins to blur. Apparently, we went to Wolfs. This I vaguely remember. We must have not been there for long. I do remember going to Flicks, and getting even more drunk.

This morning, I woke up drunk, which had only happened to me once before. I have not been that drunk in a long, long time. Not since the day I first met Furious, who was known as Magnum at the time, for reasons you're free to ponder.

July 28, 2003 | 4:26 PM | Link | 0 comments

The bad.

Friday was the funeral. I lost my composure and broke down in tears as I approached the casket. All that kept going through my head was "this is the last time I'll get to see her... this is the last time I'll get to see her."

It was comforting to see her family so happy with the booklets I made. We gathered a bunch of photos of Cheryle throughout her life, and I made a 16-page full color booklet that was handed out at the service. We were fortunate enough to be able to produce these pieces (300 of them) in-house, costing Cheryle's family nothing. We were also able to collect over $5,000 in donations from people here at the office. I'm proud to work at such a place.

On the drive home Saturday night I got a flat tire. It happened right outside my community, so I had to pull over—so close to home—and put on the spare. I tore a hole at the pocket-seam in my leather pants changing the damn tire.

I woke up in a very bad mood. Everything started coming together to make me very depressed. My car, finances, death... I just felt really out of control. I don't like to feel like I'm not in complete control of my life. My tire place isn't open on Sunday, so my twin came around to cheer me up. I ended up getting extremely drunk.

I woke up drunk this morning. This upset me since I had to go to the tire place where I would certainly have to bicker over my warranty. I didn't want to do this without a sharp mind.

Too bad.

I got to the tire place expecting 2/3 of the cost of new tires to be covered by my 60,000 warranty, since I had only driven 20,000 and the tires were already bald. One shouldn't expect things. Because the wear pattern on my tires meant they went bald from low air-pressure, it was deemed my fault and my warranty was void. This was upsetting, because I always change my oil at Jiffy Lube, and part of their service is to check your pressure. I guess they lied. Over and over. The new tires ended up costing me $500. That's $500 I wasn't expecting to spend.

As they put the new tires on, I wandered drunkenly around Home Depot. I contemplated the fact that I've happily spent more than $500 on a single article of clothing. Give me Gaultier over Goodyear any day!

After all these recent unexpected expenses I've been accumulating, I think it's smartest to postpone my trip to San Francisco this September, and only go to Seattle (I wouldn't miss it, Furious).

I hate tires.

July 28, 2003 | 4:25 PM | Link | 0 comments

Nerd alert!

I'm all excited about this. I know, I know... feel free to give me a wedgie and to stick my head down the toilet. Seriously though, I like this sort of thing.

Hey, any of you recall the dark ages of the internet? The years when every site incorporated some sort of obscure browser plugin? The consensus was this: if you didn't have to download a special plugin to see the page the way it was intended it obviously wasn't a page worth visiting. So everybody created pages with every kind of plugin—the worst of which, perhaps, was VRML ("I'm in an art gallery! No, I'm viewing a web page! No, I'm in an art gallery! No, I'm viewing a web page!" and so on and so forth.)

I still consider the years before that the golden age. Everything was so pure and innocent. There were three backgrounds one could choose to put behind a web page: solid color, stars, or marble. Anything else was right out of the question. The <center> tag was used more often than rash creme on Nick Nolte's fetid foreskin. I'd searched high and low for gay porn before I finally stumbled across this old gem.

The dark ages set on really fast, though. Remember the <blink> tag? Mozilla (and Netscape—same difference) still support it. Luckily though, nobody uses it—except for me on my splash page... It was authenticity I was going after, you know.

Ah, to be young and on dialup.

July 24, 2003 | 3:50 PM | Link | 0 comments

Pardon me, but I'm trying to use the phone!

I don't know if it's the smell, the trolls, the sounds, or the great cellular reception, but every once in a while I have to spend a few minutes inside a porno theater.

I remember my first time ever going. I was frozen—too intimidated to turn my head and see all the naughtiness surrounding me. My eyes were glued to the screen, and I had a friend sitting on each side. We watched the movie, quietly giggling to ourselves at the vaginal acrobatics glowing at us from the large-screen TV—depressing images of trashy girls wearing pigtails and tiny shorts that barely contained their cellulite.

This was what I wanted last night.

I entered the theater and let waited for my eyes to adjust to the dark. I could see six other patrons spread out over the two rooms. None were much to look at—more, they were much to look away from. Typical straight porn was playing on the screens. Loud moans from trashy white and hispanic girls combined with low groans from theater-goers pleasuring each other. Something just didn't feel right, however. Maybe I just needed more people and more seedy behavior to complete the atmosphere. I don't know. It just wasn't enough.

I decided to call my twin™ to complain. I whispered softly into my phone as the occasional onlooker shot me glances. What could they have to complain about? I was speaking too softly for them to hear me. It didn't seem likely that one could turn to me and honestly complain that they were actually trying to watch the movie. So on we chatted.

After I was satisfied that I had adequately disrupted the sub-par and mundane atmosphere, I ended my call. And old man sat next to me and started talking. I exchanged two sentences with him, then I left the theater and went home.

I think perhaps this evening I should stay home and just be bland.

July 19, 2003 | 5:09 PM | Link | 0 comments

Cheryle got her groove back.

Dear Cheryle,

We all love you, and we all miss you more than you could ever imagine. Life won't be the same without having you around. I'll miss our jokes. I'll miss peeking at you from behind your plants, just waiting for you to notice and laugh and call me crazy. I'll miss you calling me your husband, and yelling at me for never coming home. I'll miss your laugh when you'd make an obscene joke—the way you'd cover your mouth, and look around to make sure you didn't offend anyone. I'll miss how you could make me smile just by being present.

You're the sparkle in everyone's day, and you'll always be in my heart.

Love,
Jon

July 17, 2003 | 9:12 PM | Link | 0 comments

A colleague of mine is

A colleague of mine is in the hospital right now. The situation doesn't look good.

She was put in there suddenly last week, and has spent the time in a drug-induced coma. I'm scared for the news we may very likely get. Several of my colleagues are gathered together talking right now. I'm afraid new news has come in, and that it isn't good.

She's such a great person. Always joking with everyone, and always sweet. The kind of person that makes you smile just by being near. The kind of person you want to have around forever.

I hope for the best.

July 17, 2003 | 11:59 AM | Link | 0 comments

Okay. I'm, like, dead 'n

Okay. I'm, like, dead 'n stuff.

July 17, 2003 | 10:09 AM | Link | 0 comments

Original Geeksta

Yesterday my friend Kenny called me out of the blue to tell me he had a present for me. I was intrigued and excited. I met him at his work later that night, and was pleasantly surprised, to understate my joy.

It was an Apple Modem from 1983. In the box, fully packaged, and beautiful! It's hard to describe the elation I felt upon receiving such a pristine piece of Apple history. It was sort of the feeling I got when I opened my 128k Mac and saw the signatures etched within.

The modem is complete with the user manual, which is quite an hilarious read. The diagrams and additional information are incredibly dated, and seemingly pointless.

I'll cherish this gift forever. Thank you, Kenny!

July 16, 2003 | 3:55 PM | Link | 0 comments

Tone deaf.

Congratulations to Furious—er, Dr. Furious on his PhD! Who would have ever though someone with an IQ as record-breakingly low as his (I'm talkin' single-digits here) could pull such a thing off?

Last night we celebrated at a local karaoke bar. It was the first time Furious sang karaoke (a breathtakingly refreshing rendition of U2's Lemon), and it was the first time I (almost) sang. (Un)fortunately, the bar was closing and the guy manning the decks wouldn't let me sign up. I guess it's better that way.

Today, Furious is scouring Seattle to find a new home, and to see Her Majesty again. We're all so jealous here.

Good luck, Doc.

July 16, 2003 | 9:49 AM | Link | 0 comments

Wow.

I'm really sick this morning. My throat is killing me. I want to rip it out and stomp all over it. I called in sick today, and I really didn't want to. I feel terrible.

I think I'll go OD on some ibuprofen.

July 14, 2003 | 7:28 AM | Link | 0 comments

Something had passed me by.

Something had passed me by.

Monday was my five year anniversary at the company I work for. Five years! It was only supposed to be a three month internship. Now I've been here longer than anyone else in my department, and I'm the youngest one here. It's kind of thrilling.

In the past five years, I've gone from Web Intern, to Jr. Production Artist (a title they invented since I had, and still have, no college degree¹), to Web Designer I, to Senior Graphic Designer. My annual rate has gone up about 486%. Today, I feel I can reflect on the past with my chin held high. I'm actually proud of what I've accomplished.

I feel like I should celebrate somehow.

1. They really fought against letting me progress without a degree, but I fought through it. Graphic Design isn't something I want to do forever. I already knew how to do it; I'd been doing it for years before they got me. I wouldn't have felt right to go get a degree just to make them feel better.

July 9, 2003 | 12:30 PM | Link | 0 comments

Dumfounded.

Wow. That's all I can say. Wow. How can people who are so stupid keep coming up with all these new, inventive ways to showcase their idiocy?

Thank you, Furious, for the link.

Oh, and after reading that, you may want to cleanse your skull with some True Christian® worship over at Landover Baptist.

---

Update: I just remembered that Richard Paley is fake. The whole thing is a joke; a very well-constructed joke. For an even wilder article by the same person, read Evolutionism Propaganda. Especially entertaining is the part where he showcases the evils to be found in Mac OS X.

---

July 8, 2003 | 1:40 PM | Link | 0 comments

"W" were we celebrating, again?

"W" were we celebrating, again?

July 8, 2003 | 8:04 AM | Link | 0 comments

Saturday, not to be confused with a good date.

Lemme tell ya' about somethin', guys. If you want to impress me, don't try to impress me. Don't talk of taking me around the world five minutes into our date. It'll just make me want to sock ya'. That said, I kinda' wanted to sock this guy. But, in the spirit of making love, rather than war, I decided to have a coupla drinks instead.

We danced a bit to music I don't much enjoy. He told me about his success and career. I rolled my eyes (mentally, at least... I'm not the rude type), and told him that I like to kill babies. He asked what kind, "Human, or animal?" I told him that I like to kill all kinds, as long as they were young. He didn't find this funny. I didn't particularly care at this point.

Soon, the topic turned to religion. Avoid this topic around me at all costs. I grew up Christian, and have lived on both sides of the fence. My atheism is very precious to me, and I am vehemently anti-religion of any sort. He was smart enough to change the subject early on.

As I mentioned before, I chose Sapphire over the fist, so my inhibitions were drowning in an 85 proof vat. I decided it would be fun to fool around with him a bit. I was wrong. He seemed to use me for the sole purpose of forgetting I was there. It was most irritating.

The next morning, I awoke to the sight of two almost-a-hickey-but-not-really marks. Tackiness is not a virtue I adore. In fact, it's more of a non-virtue I abhor. Well, I never!

I am so looking forward to not going out with him again.

July 7, 2003 | 11:38 AM | Link | 0 comments

Thrusday, Friday, and Saturday.

Finally, a long weekend that lives up to its name! This one was jam-packed with good times, good friends, and good rest (and one bad date).

Thursday night was a wild one for all. Princess Superstar, once again, rocked the beat. The temperature in the club was somewhere above sweltering, and the drinks were flowing hard. I had three or four double Sapphire & Tonics and two Jäger shots before the night had just begun. Cesar complimented the Princess' breasts, and a hardrock Phil Collins mix kept the dance floor alive (yes, Phil Collins, and nothing could have been better). Furious found his alcohol limit, and blew past it with flying colors (and chucks).

Friday was a recovery day for everyone I knew. Michael, Jo(h)n, and I took a long, sweaty stroll though Balboa Park before retiring to Michael's backyard to enjoy some sherbet (Mmm...). I stayed low for the rest of the night, and woke up early on Saturday morning for a 9am gymnastics lesson.

9am!

I am no morning person, but I pushed through it and kept the injuries to a minimum. I trained in the San Diego summer heat for two hours without any air conditioning. Hell, I tells ya'!

I went home and slept in preparation of a full night out.

July 7, 2003 | 11:17 AM | Link | 0 comments

Changes

If you haven't already noticed my fabulous new splash page, you should really check it out. I just couldn't wait a whole 20 years to bring that look back into style!

I've also added a feature on the left with hilarious TV theme songs in MIDI format! That's right, MIDI! They're sure to provide minutes of endless entertainment!

Enjoy!

July 3, 2003 | 2:22 PM | Link | 0 comments

I am no longer upset.

I am no longer upset.

July 2, 2003 | 4:29 PM | Link | 0 comments

I'm upset this morning because

I'm upset this morning because the only part of the Family Ties theme song I can remember is the "Sha-la-la-la" at the end.

July 2, 2003 | 8:31 AM | Link | 0 comments